If someone tells me something is bad for you and I enjoy it, I am initially defensive. People say we need connection as a species and my initial reaction is that I don’t. Call me contrarian but I don’t know that we need to be up in everyone’s business all the time. Bear with me though. I think I am initially aghast at the idea that we need other people in our lives because when I think of needing others, an image of people hugging and laughing and spending every waking moment together and easily talking to just anyone pops up in my head. It feels smothering. I don’t connect that way, I don’t call people “my tribe” and I have rarely used the term “besties” to describe the people in my life. Connection can look different.
My form of connection materializes through texting incessantly, in-depth conversation, deep feelings and loyalty for those in my life, and if necessary, connecting to others by just being near people in general, even strangers.
The threshold for my social battery seems lower than others so I feel I don’t need to connect as often but I know others do. That being said, I do have a nagging fear in the back of my mind that those I love will not stick around if I am not “good enough” for them or if I don’t follow the rules of their perception of what connection is. It’s happened in the past. I’ve lost friends because I did not abide by their set of unwritten rules. What I have learned though, is those people were not a good match for me and all the current people in my life seem to be just that-good matches. All of them are understanding and on the same page and can connect easily, and disconnect easily, knowing the relationship is still there no matter what.
So, this is where I get to loneliness. My threshold for loneliness is high. I’m an introvert, and if I could, I’d connect even less, especially in all the surface-level ways. Ideally, I’d take all of those tedious and uninspiring interactions completely off the table. I don’t mind interacting with strangers in a organic way where topics of conversation are low stakes but relevant. That’s basically how I made all my current friendships. I just don’t love forced small talk that is unnecessary. However, I do not get lonely often so maybe this is why I find I do not need small talk in my life. If I do get lonely, all I have to do is stroll through a public place and that is enough of a charge from people to get me through.
I may have experienced loneliness when I lived in Dallas and summer break began. I quickly realized none of the people I hung out with were teachers so I had massive amounts of time to fill on my own. There were days where I had to consciously speak out loud after having recognized I hadn’t heard my own voice in days. This is when I started venturing out just to interact with the host of service industry workers, retail personnel and passerby in the very walk-able streets I lived on. I started roller-blading on the Katy Trail and would read below my building outside of the Starbucks. I’d go shopping and walk NorthPark Mall and sometimes see a movie. I found a way to connect. It suited me. I didn’t need more.
I now know if I truly became lonely, there is a plethora of avenues to seek out. I can go to the library and start showing up for whatever people sign up to do there, maybe crafts, adult Lego building, etc. I can start taking a dance class, I can volunteer at the local green space, Exploration Green, that always has opportunities to do so.
I wonder if loneliness really has to do with connection to others. Or rather, does it spawn more from feeling your life does not have meaning. You can have meaning without connection but I do see how connection can fuel meaning pretty efficiently.
For those feeling like they have nothing to live for, I do think connections to others can sometimes stop any action of ending their life. It certainly would for me but it would 100% be more out of guilt which is fine given the circumstance. But, of course, connections to others is not always conceivable in our own minds. I do think a hobby or having something that sparks joy can be more intrinsically motivating for a person to decide to stay. It’s easier to doubt a connection with another person over a hobby that sparks joy. We are not in others minds, besides our own, so there is room for doubt in any connection you have. However, a solitary hobby or activity that sparks joy only requires your own mind so if you love it, then it is more apt to motivate a person to stick around and continue to explore this wild life.
So, connections are good, hobbies and joyful activity can be more necessary. At least for me. I realize people’s perception is their reality. This is just mine. I often bend for society’s expectations to a degree but am a lot more comfortable doing that less and less these days. It’s so empowering and I wish I could go back in time and have the resolve I have today in connecting with others in a way that is more meaningful to ME. Even reading books helps me feel connected. There are so many authors out there seeking to connect to readers with the world and character building they do. I can even go to author visits at bookstores!
Although I gripe about how society is being run, it sure has built up some options for loneliness. You can even find friends through Meet Up, an online platform that allows one to meet up at gatherings of like-minded individuals. Literally, no use being lonely. You’d think I wouldn’t be on board with these because they seem forced but I don’t see it that way, because it’s still a chosen activity/interaction on both people’s accounts. Now, I’m excited for the next time I’m lonely! Look at all these fun activities! I also love TV and I feel like that is another form of connection from the producers to the actors and everyone on each show trying to connect to the audience. How fun is that?
It’s interesting that people get lonely given the abundance of options to quell it. I guess I experience connection everywhere so my resilience to loneliness is substantially constructed. Being forced to fit my idea of what connection is into the box society has defined it as is just jarring to me. Be besties with your neighbors, get a village, get a tribe! Ugh. That’s so much pressure! If it happens, it happens! My village is just a bunch of excellent matches for me spread out all over! And I’m banking on the fact that they all generally like or love me enough to want to stick around with me. One of my favorite things a couple of friends have said in conversation is “You’re stuck with me.” This is the most validating and comforting statement anyone can say to me. I’m all like muahahahaha, the spell has worked! You are MINE! But for real, I’m like thank goodness, I don’t have to worry anymore, it has been confirmed. Now, can I get that in writing with a signature?
So if you are struggling with the way society has deemed connection to be meaningful and you are wondering if you need to do more….listen to your personal levels of satisfaction. Find connection in the ways that are meaningful to YOU and know, FOR REAL, that it is enough. If you start to feel lonely, ramp up your current connections, make new ones or find a new hobby. Every emotion just tells you information so if loneliness surfaces, use it for your own good and know, it too, shall pass, so while it is there, get busy! We are all connected, all the time, and that can be enough to overpower loneliness, if you let it.
onthecontrarykelly 