Why must we only make changes when we are uncomfortable? Why is it a prerequisite?
There is nothing good about stress to me or feeling uncomfortable. I am already uncomfortable enough in most social settings, why would I opt for more of this? I don’t see “being uncomfortable” as a driving force to make change happen. Why can’t I just be comfortable, then make a change in a way that is equally comfortable?
I think there is a loophole: make small changes to get to whatever is “uncomfortable” at a comfortable pace so by the time we get there it doesn’t have to have been uncomfortable. How about a language change as well? Instead of the idea of “getting out of your comfort zone,” we are getting to what is necessary, like a job change. “Necessary” is going to draw far more motivation from me than “uncomfortable.”
“Oh it’s uncomfortable? Hard pass. Wait, you meant to say necessary? Okay, I suppose I need to go for it.”
I talk about the curation of life a LOT. This topic is no different. Curation is still dependent on each individual person. I mean, do you REALLY want to be uncomfortable if you can help it? As much as people emphasize the notion that we must get out of our comfort zone, I believe there is a better way, at least one that sounds better, and if it sounds better, I’m more apt to do it and feel better doing it. Language and the feelings it evokes clearly matter to me.
Every major life transition is what people are referring to when they are trying to motivate someone to get uncomfortable to do the next thing. I don’t know what kind of people are motivated by being uncomfortable but it ain’t me. I think I am more motivated by the end goal, and it just so happens end goals are usually necessary and if they are not then you most likely are excited about it like choosing to have a baby or working in a job you have dreamed of or making changes to your house or traveling across the globe for fun. Dopamine hits might be a more likely motivating factor for the types of life changes that happen to energize you.
I would have to say my most uncomfortable situations have always been ones where the expectation is for me to be entirely social so any new job has been a difficult transition, but every last one of them was necessary to me, so that often helped the transition eventually flow efficiently. Depending on the workplace, some transitions were easy and some were incredibly hard. The single identifying factor that made any of them difficult was the expectations of the people there. Not so much the expectations of the actual role but the expectations of social norms. I don’t do well with judgement from others and that is usually what comes next. But ultimately, my job is not to entertain others or perform for them so I found a way to trudge through and found solice in my actual role and finding myself in executing the job responsibilities.
All other uncomfortable situations have been social events where, again, the expectations always seem to call for my least favorite characteristic in a person: performative. I don’t enjoy any social event where I am with people I don’t know well. I have no questions or comments for strangers. None that ever come easily anyway. For some reason, I especially hate social situations where I do know a person but haven’t seen them in awhile. I think this is due to the fact that expectations ramp up with any prior history. If we haven’t remained close, I struggle with what to say even though I feel I should have atleast some context in this interaction. However, I will have forgotten every detail about your life and second guess myself with your kids names even though I should definitely know them, or even details I know I should know, like your new married name you’ve had for the last eight years. I never remember the car you drive, where you are living now or what your job is. I think all these details go out the window because I am absolutely a deep conversationalist over small talk any day, week, or second. However, I realize most people are not this way and they completely care about all of these details. So the only outcome is dissapointment in me for not prioritizing surface level details and I do not like this feeling, and really, cannot handle it.
That being said, I also do not expect anyone to remember what I do, my kids names, where I live etc. so you can banish that worry out of existence right now. You and I are the same.
When I started this post it was supposed to be all about how “being uncomfortable” is so undesirable that it is counterproductive to getting things accomplished. Then, it took a turn to address social situations in which anxiety is high. The correlation? It is primarily social situations that are so uncomfortable for me that instead of using a tool I often use avoidance OR just a lot of mental gymnastics and enduring of situations I know are practically required so as not to upend the social constructs in place.
Essentially, I push through, and unlike many who say, “Well, I was nervous but I’m glad I did it!” my subsequent thought is more like, “Well, I was nervous before and I was nervous during the whole thing, my nervousness didn’t lessen the whole time I was there and now I am analyzing each interaction to a degree I know is not helpful soooooo I don’t quite know if it was worth it, but it was mildly necessary to continue my daily life routine and for people to continue to see me as reasonably normal.”
And the aftermath can be the worst part, actually. It takes a herculean effort to not spiral and analyze every interaction and what I could have done better to show I’m good enough, not incompetent or inconsiderate, and that I’m a neat and unique individual that they respect regardless of if our opinions or values differ. Ya know, where zero conflict ensues.
So this is where the choice to go somewhere, is itself, a herculean effort.
Not going = comfortability during the event and hours, up to days, afterward.
Going = the difficult, uncomfortable opposite.
I just don’t find many of these events necessary, I suppose, but I do know the need to show your face to things even though I disagree with this expectation of society.
I rarely feel lonely too. I will expand on this in my next blog but I think that my personal social need is very low so I can live without a lot of it and be fine. However, I do live in a suburb of the 4th largest population in the United States, paired with United States expectations – a virtual recipe for a social nightmare but I have traversed through so far and will continue to operate well enough, regardless of any difficulties.
I may or may not (and probably don’t) meet criteria for Social Anxiety Disorder in the DSM but I’m pretty sure not being able to speak the word “hi” to specific fellow students in middle school was an evident indication of something! All a diagnosis does is add a supplement to your operating manual. Supplemental manuals enrich your operating system for a better way of life for each person so regardless, recognizing it earlier on as something that I could have gotten any help with would have been beneficial. Any normalizing, validating and shifting of thinking and reconciling it within the current society we live in could have helped me operate better. Diagnosis, self-awareness and effort toward a more comfortable life are transformative. I highly recommend starting as early as possible which is always right now.
Maybe the assistance with navigating this wild world is what writing is giving me. (Another upcoming blog: On Why I Write-so this could be the springboard!) Maybe I’m normalizing myself FOR myself and hopefully others along the way because seeing yourself in others writing and thoughts is the ultimate goal if I am trying to reach any level of comfortability, anyway. Just present me, talking to future me and past me and any fellow life traveler along the way.
It reminds me of the format of the book Spoon River Anthology. Each poem is written by a deceased person buried in the same cemetery. I loved the format because it showed the connections between people within the cemetery, if just by proximity of living in the same town, all the way to anyone on the planet because we are all humans no matter what time period you live in. Although most of deceased’s declarations seemed to require you to cloak yourself in small town gossip to form most of the connections, there were some that were rather poignant. But isn’t this always the case with the people in our proximity? Most represent surface level living while others are unique and have something special enough to showcase a representation of the humanity we want to strive for? I hope I have this unique ability when it comes to writing and/or my presence. I want my life and words to live on in some capacity and be able to connect to others who find they need the actions and words I am saying.
So, in closing, you actually don’t have to do what’s uncomfortable or get out of comfort zone. Instead, find the comfortable way to do what’s necessary, little by little.
onthecontrarykelly 