Alcohol Escape Adventure

We all drink with good intentions: relief, connection, adventure, joy, escape. We do it because the hundrum of stability a routine provides can sometimes feel like a trap. (Think The Logical Song by Supertramp.) I spent a year trying to figure out why it was that I drank, in particular. I heavily related to the narratives I read below but the stars aligned when I got to my 6th book and Ruby Warrington wrote the words in congruence with my thought process and everything I was on a quest to obtain.

It turns out, I drank for the “allure of altered states of consciousness.” This was not escape but my quirky drive to be on a different planet and experience other parallel universes, alternate planes and vastly different ways of thinking. She described it “as a fast track to adventure” and cerebral adventure is what I’m seeking, always.

Below are all the narratives/memoirs I read, in the order I read them, from the summer of 2022 to the summer of 2023.

It turns out that immersion, knowledge, facts and awareness seem to be the answer to drinking differently and by that I mean much, much, much less. Since I was able to identify what I was seeking in drinking, I was able to come up with alternatives that would get me closer to what I wanted out of life. The appeal to being on a parallel universe were found in the following:

• reading books that broadened my mind, which each one has, in it’s own way.
• drawing
• deep conversations, in which, now I could remember
• exercise
• contemplating how we are on a planet floating through space (RIGHT NOW YALL!)
• recognizing how connected we are to nature
• energy put into manifestation
• and like a million other things I can do with my mind on it’s own!

I used to write notes in every physical book I read and I was flipping through one the other day and found a note expressing that the words in the book reminded me of how I would feel sick after drinking. I read this book like 10-12 years ago! This, along with the fact that I started tracking the days I drank out of the year during that same time showcase that this whole journey has been longer than I thought. I hate to say I regret any parts of my life but I do wish I stopped drinking in this manner a lot earlier. It’s hard to give up the highs regardless of getting rid of the lows. With the help of the app below, I started tracking actual drinks instead of days I drank. Because of the way I drank, this was a much more pronounced way to look at how much I was actually drinking. Spoiler alert: just too much in my opinion. However, the app below helped me stay on track in my awareness so I could get a baseline. It’s called Less and the images below are not mine but show how it works. It’s a very simplistic interface which was exactly what I wanted.

As stated earlier, I’ve been “feeling sick” for a long time with drinking. I think we completely lose the intricacies and magnitude when we use the term “hangover” because 1.) it normalizes what happens to your body when you’ve ingested a toxic drug, which alcohol inherently is. 2.) it stops you from paying attention to all the separate ways you are wrecking your body, days, and, esentially, your life. It puts them into one big issue and doesn’t let you see the parts as clearly.

Things that I’ve noticed happen to me:

• My stomach is always nausous for the entirety of the day after and into sleeping the next night.
• My body feels cold and not really there.
• My anxiety is so debilitating the next 1-3 days that I often do not want to risk doing any task. I even have to put off many thoughts for later. This is a coping mechanism to get through the day without a panic attack.
• I can’t get ANYTHING done the next day and if I have to, I was suffering immensely.
• My thinking is very cloudy.
• My sleep is completely wrecked. I never feel satisfied waking up.
• My skin looks older and drier.
• My eyes are bleary.
• My headaches would last 2-9 days after and they were not headaches, they were migraines.

I honestly think that the migraines that started in 2020 exacebated with, but also without, alcohol were a huge driving force for drinking much less because I can honestly say that living with migraines was something I decided was not worth living with. (I now take a preventative daily medication for migraines that has been an absolute miracle after 3 years of living in an on-again, off-again nightmare.)

Another motivation for this change is the guilt and shame I felt after drinking. I didn’t like anything that I said or did while drinking, even if objectively, it was a completely normal action or normal words. I didn’t trust that I would have done or said these things completely sober so I felt an overwhelming sense of shame that I was not being myself. As much as people will have you believe that alcohol brings out your real self, I felt like the self I brought out was completely unhinged (and sometimes I really was) or just brought out things that I’d rather reserve for my closest friends versus total strangers (which would absolutely happen). I was always trying to find the depth in myself and others during these adventures to an alternate plane. I often found that I didn’t remember all the details anyway which didn’t help my mind get to the level I had hoped it could. My goal was to gain accessible depth that would inform my next deep conversation procuring total enlightenment. This was not, shall we say……the way.

What has changed

I’m literally so much more aware and alive, so much more unequivacally present, physically and mentally. I have confidence in choosing not to drink. Learning how to navigate this area took longer. I dont feel the same pressure I did before, because I don’t care what others think even when they rattle off the typical quips and questions that have way more to do with how they feel about their own drinking than mine. Due to my efforts in immersive awareness, I am heavily cognizant of the facts about alcohol. It’s a drug that somehow carved a path as the most socially acceptable one although it has an enormous influence on death rates. By the way, when I think about “alcohol related deaths” I don’t just think about drunk driving accidents or liver cirrhosis. There are many situations where it is now evident to me that years of drinking was most likely a factor and even possibly a catalyst for an earlier death than necessary. I no longer feel “lame” if I choose not to drink or drink less. In fact, I feel smart and empowered knowing what I know now.

Why I am not choosing to be 100% sober

Sober is an “all or nothing” game. This magnifies issues and obsessive tendencies to be perfect- and I happen to be a perfectionist at my core. I know how I get and “thinking about drinking” is also an issue when trying to no longer be a slave to alcohol. So, as Annie Grace, who wrote “This Naked Mind” says “I can drink whenever I want. I just haven’t in a long time.” (She hasn’t in years-she’s essentially sober but her stance is to drink less by learning more about alcohol. If it happens to be forever, so be it.) I am such a perfectionist that I’m at a point where I have to purposely break streaks of not drinking WITH a drink so I don’t continue to obsess. I’m definitely at Seinfeld level drinking – meaning like 5 times in a whole 9 seasons and I don’t waste time making cheap alcohol related jokes. So far this year, I happen to have only had 3 drinks and I’m getting close to a 70 day streak and I’m not going to lie, I’m freaking out a bit because I’ve been generally doing 55 day streaks and I just need to chill. Maybe I should have a drink to relax. lol jkjkjk.

Oh man! I almost forgot to mention a huge factor in helping me drink less! An alternative drink! Social tonics, as they say. The rise of the non-alcoholic beverage has been so helpful. Im a person that still wants to enter into a different state of mind so I do choose drinks that have ingridients that are regarded as calming. Currently, I drink Hiyo that includes adaptogens and nootropics like ashwagandha, which has been shown to regulate cortisol levels (the fight-or-flight chemical) and reduce stress; l-theanine, a green tea extract that promotes calm; cordyceps mushroom extract to provide a natural energy lift; and lion’s mane, a mushroom boasting antioxidant and other anti-inflammatory agents. I am absolutely the target audience for these products. I also take Olly Stress Gummies sometimes which have GABA, L-theanine and lemon balm. GABA is used to lower stress, ease anxiety, and combat insomnia.

Oh also, one of the biggest takeaways from everything I read is that the benefits of one alcoholic beverage – that euphoric feeling – only lasts about 20 minutes! TWENTY MINUTES for 2 or more days of feeling all the horrific symptoms I listed above! Yes, you extend it by drinking more but each drink hits a peak of that short timespan and eventually over time it gets less and less so you have to drink more and more to get to the same place- you know like heroin or cocaine. So try and convince me it’s not a drug. I also know caffeine is a drug and any other substance that creates a deficit over time. However I’m not giving up caffeine or any of the natural ingredents listed above because for me and my specific biological make-up, there are no negative side effects with the amount I consume. I am very balanced and smart now. lol.

Oh I want to throw in some major props to my doctor, Dr. Ghadiri. When I told her I think I drink too much she didn’t hesitate to use a serious tone with me and also tell me a pretty devastating story about a mom who kept putting off drinking less. This mom of two thought she had plenty of time to make a change later down the road but her path ultimately led her to full blown cirrhosis of the liver and as we all know, that is irreversible. This story would only have this large of an impact on me coming from a doctor and a story of an actual patient who was similar to me. She ended my appointment with an adamant “never more than two drinks!” comment. To this, I promptly wrote a poignant letter to myself in my Notes app listing all the reasons why it would be a good idea to listen to this advice entitled “Only 2.” That, is what you call using your position to influence, in the best way possible.

I also found it helpful to follow a lot of sober accounts on instagram including Sober_celebrities. I did not know so many celebrities were sober! And we all know how comparing our lives to celebrities creates a major source of validation! Either way, it is another factor. I really have been immersed. A few celebrities that are surprisingly sober and still vehemently cool: Bradley Cooper, Chrissy Teigen, Tom Holland, Jason Bateman, Rob Lowe, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tilda Swinton, Denzel Washington and many more.

Ultimately, I’m writing this for myself, as always, as a reminder of all my effort but also in the slight possibility that someone may recognize themselves in this narrative, like I did, with the ones I read above. I don’t condemn drinking or the people that do. I just know too much now and I don’t think I could go back to how I drank before. I’m too aware, but I’m glad. I also took issue with the way it was intertwined in my life. I felt it was deteriorating my best self and my life here on earth. What percentage of life was I okay with missing? Why was I okay with any percentage? Some people feel content about the way they are drinking and that is not really the audience I am after. I just wanted to throw a different perspective out there for those that had a similar lifestyle to me and felt off about it- which happens to be many.

Choosing to drink less and living through each event that happens in a calendar year, whether that be a holiday, a night out, a happy hour, a celebration, is like a re-evaluation of your life, your perception and your level of comfort in these events while sober. It’s a veritable re-calibration. It’s empowering and I’m glad to know what I know and feel what I feel.