Do we ever really know who someone else is? When I think about who I am and all the intricate details that make up who I am, I feel stifled that I cannot, and will never get the chance, to have others know who I am in total. But maybe we are only supposed to know ourselves that way. Perhaps, we are not supposed to shove it in people’s faces on a social media post or story. Even one’s attempt at a comprehensive autobiographical book is just a glimpse. And even if it’s a pretty full picture of someone, it’s just how they felt at the time and what they were focusing on in the time it took to write it.
As I get older, I am understanding more how reprehensible social media really is. There are times when I feel resentful towards someone because they are living in a way that I know others strive for but I am not living like them. I somehow get to questioning myself and going back and forth asking if I am enough. But, what’s striking to me is I wasn’t questioning this before I saw their post. I wouldn’t have thought about this concept if I hadn’t. I think I know why. I think I only feel this annoyance because I know this arbitrary person’s display on social media is how many think someone should be living. They follow the trend, the stereotypically desired traits of a person constructed from our society.
Here’s the thing though. I don’t think how they are living is wrong in any way. In fact, I hope they are truly happy. I’m just always jaded that the way I want to live may not be as desired and isn’t the top contender on a social media algorithm. Not that I’m striving for social media popularity, but it showcases what people feel is a “right” way, meanwhile, if it wasn’t for our society, I’d ALWAYS perceive my way of life as top-notch: me and my gratitude of a quiet life with a few important people and treats, and books and comfortability out the wazoo! Basically, not loud.
All of my blog posts seem to center around identity and why not? Maybe the whole point of this life is to navigate who you are. Maybe you are a gift to the universe. Maybe you are a gift to yourself if you let yourself be.
People will never need to know that I used to hate diet coke with a passion and then found a path to love for it. People will never need to know that I love to lay on the ground, tables, and counters and if it was socially acceptable, I’d do that everywhere. People will never need to know that I’ve rarely ever felt the general definition of lonely, not because I’ve had a ton of people in my life but because I am content with the amount of people I have and don’t need more or even seeing people more often. My own company is usually enough as long as I can walk among others or know they are out there. People will never need to know all the ways in which I preserve pictures and hide words in books and that I underline ideas I align with or understand, how I hide fortunes in random places, how I write notes in my phone all the time and have written notes in various places throughout my whole life. People will never need to know all the meaning behind the jewelry I wear. People will never need to know my deepest, darkest, secrets.
What would all of this mean to them if they can’t feel the feelings behind all of it anyway? Who really wants to know someone that deeply? Do I want to know someone that deeply? Ultimately, yes, I do. However, I understand that people are not so revelatory and when they are, I sometimes find myself bored or maybe not satisfied because I’m wanting something more than surface level chatter. What anyone is trying to do when they are connecting to others seems as complicated as translating a language. Our brain is a language that we seem to only be able to translate into another slightly clear but broken one.
I’m not sure what I’m looking for in others, besides a wildly deep philosophical conversation and connection. Surely, I’m not asking for much. 😉
What I’m looking for in myself is to BE myself though. And that is certainly something I can do. And just like I got my most inspiration to stop drinking from the point of view that others may feel more comfortable not drinking if someone else goes first, I will also find inspiration to be myself from the same thought process. If I am myself, others may feel more comfortable being like I am if they have an inclination to be. I can be a catalyst for all those similar to me and draw them out. And the least that will happen, which really feels like the most: I will draw myself out in the process. We can’t all be the corner piece of a puzzle, we must be ourselves to connect properly. Most people don’t want to be the same as others, even though we seem to have that herd mentality. Most people have an urge to be unique. Let’s listen to that primal part of ourselves and go with it. This life is the only chance we have to do so.
onthecontrarykelly 