We should really consider the magic that is recognizing people’s vibes and energy without the performance. What does that entail?
Completely ignore societal influence. Tap into what you feel. I think if you connect energetically, no performance is required.
If there is an uncomfortable pressure to fulfill an action like getting together with others, that’s forced. If you are comfortable asking someone to hangout, that’s organic. I feel like I’m on the correct path only when I feel comfortable or excited to do something. Forcing yourself to do something like travel even if you have no desire doesn’t seem organic either because it would be based on the idea that it is something you SHOULD want to do….Same goes for following the suburb crowd to have your kid in 47 activities because that is what others are doing and that’s the only reason you feel that way. Not organic. Forced.
Maybe you have asked yourself, would I even be doing this if it wasn’t for other people? And if the answer is no, there is a strong possibility that you are uncomfortable doing it anyway and what a tragic way to spend your time!
I’m uncomfortable doing a LOT in big social settings. Small talk, questions to ask or comments to say do not come naturally to me. I do not understand how others come up with the words so effortlessly. And here’s the thing, I don’t really want to be good at that. What I want is for the expectation to be non-performative in the first place. I’m quite over the performative social interactions people often engage in, to be honest. You don’t have to feign interest in me for the sake of it and I would like the luxury of not having to do the same for anyone else. If I have a genuine question or comment, I will definitely ask or say it but it will not be just any little thing for the sake of filling silence.
I feel like most conversation today is forced rather than one that includes a preceding silence to allow for exploring a deeper topic. Those who know me well, know that all conversations would lead to a depth equivalent to the dark, unexplored nebulous that is the ocean floor if a person would allow it.
So how can we ever ensure we are living an organic life when these expectations are so ingrained in how we operate? I think the first step is being aware of how you ARE operating. To this day, I 100% perform still in certain circumstances. Mostly, in a professional setting or where judgments and opinions are ubiquitous and created upon first glance. I hate that I still feel the need to be a certain way to appease others for ANY second of my precious life but I’m working on it. I have gotten much better but I often keep my thoughts to myself and nod along even when I vehemently disagree with what someone is saying.
So since I am aware, I start small. My biggest piece of advice to living an authentic, organic life when you are scared of judgement is to avoid those people that bother you the most in this area. You always have the power to limit yourself to mostly spending time with those that make you feel comfortable. There will be times you have to be in the presence of those that are uber-performative and as you stare at them, head tilted, trying desperately to understand, remember that they want to feel important. Let them do so. Your awkward silence or time spent scrambling for what words to say is helping them feel important as they speak so you can tell yourself you are doing them a favor. They didn’t want you to talk anyway. Just nod your head and say “That’s crazy.” 15 times in a row. 😉
One thing I have a really hard time doing is lying, so all of the social norms become very difficult. I cannot fake laugh well. And I have a difficult time seeming interested if I am very much not but I do try! Like I said, people want to feel important and I want to let that be my motivator.
Anytime I see someone just really putting on a show, I am perplexed. It just feels like so much effort at this point in life. There are probably people who truly love life so much, they are bursting at the seams but often I’m skeptical and feel it may just be a really effective SSRI but who knows, maybe they were born with a flair for the dramatic.
I just want people to be able to be themselves, myself included, and live so organically they never step foot on that hypothetical stage again!
Have good things come my way based on my own performances? I am sure of it. I just wish that performances weren’t required for this life. I wish we would have never created social constructs and accepted all ways of life instead of just the most socially adept extroverts.
I’m also tired of hearing people discuss things that don’t matter about other people. Let them be free please! Don’t talk to me about what they are wearing or that their hair is purple when their vibe is good. Like, can that be all that matters?? The vibe??!!
Anyway, I’m just working on being more organic myself and here are a few things I am trying to incorporate to do so.
-Ask myself if what I want to say is really necessary for others or myself. If I choose not to say anything because I realize that it is not then my silence allows for them to take the stage, hopefully, organically.
-Saying something when I don’t agree with someone. This will signal our feelings about the topic are not aligned and will showcase this is not something we are going to connect over. It can even be small like if someone says, “Did you see their shoes?” in a critical tone, I can just say. “Oh, no I didn’t. I don’t notice things like that.” Or “Yes, but I didn’t think any thing about them.”
-Feel confident expressing my own beliefs in front of those that I know do not feel the same or in front of those I’m assuming don’t feel the same. There HAVE been moments I was surprised when something came up and me and another were more aligned than I thought. Had I not expressed my true beliefs, I would have continued to have the same impression and I would have missed out on an organic connection.
-Recognize that my differences from others is not something to think about more than 60 seconds. When I was really worried the other day about revealing some truth that I now cannot even remember, my husband said “What’s the worst that can happen if you are just honest?” and I said something along the lines of “Well, they will think this or that negative thought about me.” And the question came up again “What’s the worst that can happen if they do?” And again, the answer remained-they would think that negative thought about me. Often, this IS the worst that can happen. And when it is framed like that, it seems silly to not be your organic self-all to stop a thought in someone else’s mind. What’s the payoff?
Once you realize that people are going to have negative thoughts about you even if you are the best person on the planet, it gives you the room, confidence and, even perhaps, the audacity to step forward into your authentic self. If a negative thought is what you are avoiding, the time is now to understand that it’s inevitable, and being yourself is way more important in the big picture.
I’m reminded of the Shel Silverstein poem below.
I don’t think we have time to wear our masks for any longer. Stop performing. Be organic. Don’t miss out on what is meant for you, all so you can avoid a measly, minuscule judgment. Be free so you can connect to the right people.
onthecontrarykelly 