I feel like alcohol stunted my growth as a person. I could have been growing-finding other hobbies to pursue-using that time to write, not allowing something to suck the life out of me because that’s what it did. It took away access to be my best self.
It began as a series of days. I actively didn’t choose alcohol when I had the opportunity because I started “playing it forward.” I could feel, with every fiber of my being, what my body and mind would feel like if I chose to drink.
It became an easy streak of 50 days, then close to 100. Getting to 200 made me realize I was halfway to a year and how easy it would be to complete an entire calendar year. If I did, I could experience each day, each event, each group of people with a totally sober, clear and free mindset. I liked this idea.
Alcohol had played a part with a major role in my play for 20+ years and I no longer wanted it to play ANY role in the narrative of my life. (See previous post: Alcohol Escape Adventure for a complete list of how I did the work to change my whole mindset.)
In any given year, a carousal of events shuffling through various groups of people occur. I wanted to say yes to the event and people and no to alcohol when I got there. Practice makes permanent so I wanted to enthusiastically rage through, level after level, of not inviting alcohol to the event for a whole year. A full year could enforce the following logic in all future endeavors: If I didn’t drink on June 6th before, then I now definitely have the option to make the same choice again on any future June 6th- if I feel like it.
Letting alcohol slide out the door has given me so much time and health back. I’ve legitimately NEVER felt healthier AND this is the oldest I’ve EVER been so that has to speak for itself! I also attribute my feeling this healthy to intuitive eating which mostly comes down to the deterrent of not wanting to feel over full, or make my stomach hurt in any way which just so happens to be one of many reasons I will often choose to not drink. I’m now showing up to enjoy life feeling good and not waste any second, which alcohol can easily do, and it’s not just seconds for me, its 72 hours each time- minimum.
I don’t want to pose with drinks. I don’t want to make jokes about needing alcohol to get through anything, I don’t want to buy gifts for others perpetuating drinking culture.
As soon as I stopped drinking, I linked back up with childhood me. It was like I collapsed that time and experience, connected back to it and then continued down the path I would have traversed, had I not connected or intertwined drinking to who I was in any way.
My inner experience and the work I’ve done has changed my perception of what is happening in my outer world. I’ve awakened to something I didn’t have access to for a long time.
When you stop drinking in front of friends who definitely partake and fight for any other connection besides alcohol, you are flying in the face of potential disconnection and discomfort but at the same time that’s when you know you’ve chosen yourself and your choices.
Alcohol goes against everything I’m trying to do: get good sleep, feel good, have energy, not have regrets, not feel guilt, and not have anxiety. When I say this is the healthiest I have ever felt it’s because all of these mental states, which merely appear as small ideas relinquished within a brief word on a page, are back in line. Each one requires pause to know how huge of an impact it has on a life. Take a moment and think about each one’s level of importance on your life.
Sleep
Feeling good/not sick
Energy
Regrets
Guilt
Anxiety
Thoughts I still have and I’m still trying to move past:
-I’m missing out on the most fun experience I could have if not drinking.
-I feel older because I now see alcohol as a young persons thing. I sometimes feel if I was drinking I’d feel I was a part of the younger crowd still.
-I miss the nostalgia of the camaraderie I had with whatever group I was drinking with.
-It’s an easily chosen activity I could do every weekend or when around others, it takes slightly more effort to come up with alternative plans that don’t revolve around drinking.
-I don’t want to make people who drink uncomfortable with my not drinking.
-I still want to be invited out. I love to dance and I love to talk even if you are drinking and I am not. Please still invite me!
That all being said, this was the way to go for me. I don’t judge those who drink or continuously choose alcohol until they die but at the same time, I’m SO glad that is not going to be me. Maybe your body treats alcohol like all you had was water and you get excellent sleep. Maybe you don’t experience debilitating anxiety the next day putting you in a position to actively, and with a herculean effort, not think any thoughts until later so you don’t spiral into a doomsday scenario for the next 3 days. I DON’T KNOW YOU! But, for me, I couldn’t be happier about this choice right now.
As for if I will drink again? Most likely at some point, but I have no clue when that will be and I don’t want it to be contingent on any feeling besides choosing it for the right reasons, my own. In completing a full year of no drinking, I feel empowered. I don’t want to feel any influence from anything but myself, should I decide to drink. At the same time, I’m scared that I will put too much pressure on myself to not drink. An unhealthy and dark side-effect of keeping a streak. They say if you are thinking too much about alcohol even if it’s to quit, then it still plays too big of a part in your life. So, I’m going to have to get rid of the app I’ve used to track this and take a step out on the other side of my life. The side where alcohol no longer rules or drives any part of it.
I have no building excitement to having finished this year looking forward to “being able to drink again” which I see as a good sign that it doesn’t rule my life. I truly have no idea when I will drink again.
I do struggle with my one liner to people. How do I express the reality? I don’t want to say “I don’t drink,” because it implies I’m sober which I’m not. I don’t want to say “I’m not a big drinker,” because I once was and it implies I’ve never been a big drinker and don’t know what that’s like. I don’t want to say, “I don’t feel like drinking” because it implies I often do, which I generally don’t. The best I’ve come up with to say is “I rarely drink now.” This implies I used to a lot and now rarely do which will be true but I still want something to showcase I’m making an active decision to drink rarely. Even the word “rarely” implies more than I do currently. Somebody help me out with this.
Another thing I can’t allow myself to do is call myself sober because that entails a person actively committed to not drinking and that’s not what this is. At this point, it isn’t something I even have to actively do anymore. I do what I want. I’ll drink sparkling water, caffeine, a Hiyo and sometimes even a mocktail. But if I do want a beer one day I can’t put the pressure of being a sober person on myself. I’m a perfectionist so if I make something all or nothing, it really messes with my mind. I don’t want to not be able to take a sip of a beer I want to try and freak out on myself. So, I will not be calling myself sober or even adhering to it. So at this time, everyone can let themselves out. You are no longer on this journey with me. I am the sole explorer.
Here’s to alcohol vascillating between audience member and bit part in the entirety of the remainder of my play. I’ll take the lead. Cheers!
onthecontrarykelly 