Perfectionism – wanting, no NEEDING something to be a particular way, down to the last detail with zero mistakes or it’s garbage-not worth showing, not worth impacting the world in any way.
You will know when it’s not perfect by the utter conviction in your body brought on by stress. The stress is your answer. What you did was not perfect. It is not a representation of how you saw it in your mind, and now everyone can see you are not, in fact, perfect. You are not capable of even PRODUCING perfection. Do you even know what it IS? You are incompetent. It’s so easy to see how this could have been better, perfect. And you know what? it would have been so easy to make it that way and you failed.
Further Spiraling Thoughts after Missed Perfection:
1. People will assume this is a representation of me and it’s not even close to how I would have wanted it! They will say “It looks/is great!” and I will not be able to acknowledge this because I know what’s missing and this isn’t deserving of anything positive. It’s not complete because it’s not perfect.
2. People won’t know the perfection I’m capable of, they won’t know how good I can be- they won’t even see it at ALL! Where is the integrity of who I am if there are things missing? Do they even fully understand me if there are missing parts?
3. What I’m trying to present won’t be communicated!
4. They know I’m a perfectionist (I’ve said it out loud!) yet I wasn’t able to produce something perfect this time so they are judging me twofold because what I produced makes them doubt my even being a perfectionist in the first place! How can I be a perfectionist if what I produce is completely of average ability or sometimes even less?! I will be communicating to them that I am less than because my final product is not what they are used to getting. I AM what I produce.
The reason for all the exclamation points is because that is how perfectionism feels. It feels THAT urgent. It feels like a dire failure when falling even an inch short. It is not the sum total of its parts but the sum of all its missing pieces only. Perfectionism is debilitating. It can stop you from starting at all. It can keep you from moving forward.
I couldn’t even find the “perfect” definition of perfect when looking up various dictionary definitions! Do you know what perfectionists do? Spend A LOT of time on stupid stuff. We way overdo it 100% of the time. Atleast we are perfect in overdoing it!
You know what’s hard? Life. The life we constructed instructs you to pay bills, brush your teeth, eat healthy, exercise, plan for your and/or your families celebrations, take care of your car and house everytime it breaks down, breathe to relax, meditate every morning, write in your gratefulness journal, get to work on time, have everything picked up, make your bed everyday, be genuine, don’t be socially awkward, know how to make small talk, make 1,000 appointments, remember birthdays, send gifts, get your car inspected on time, be yourself, be like everyone else all while trying to physically survive and stay out of danger. Throw in making sure everything reaches an unrelentingly high level of perfection and life can be unnecessarily difficult.
One of the most life-changing concepts that perfectionists sometimes learn is that “done is better than perfect.” They may learn this under the circumstances of survival. A ton of stress may force them to start to understand and adapt to this idea so they can tread water and in fact just get things done. But although they may put this concept into practice, they still VISCERALLY feel all of the above negative feelings about their completed product and how people perceive what they produce.….still…..even with logic in their corner.
And this is because relinquishing perfectionism is a long drawn-out practice. You have a well-trodden path in your brain to completely repave and you’re doing it by yourself. A lifetime of constructed expectations to tear down and build a stable, less infuriating path.
The holidays and celebrations are some of the worst times for perfectionists. Expectations are even HIGHER than the robe of elevated expectations they wear daily and it certainly doesn’t help, that it’s a whole season dedicated to unobstructed joy -as if it’s even a possibility to maintain a happy outlook for every second of a season, uninterrupted. Okay Brave New World pills, start your magic! Like, why have we done this to ourselves? We’ve created a situation in which we ALL start to feel what perfectionists feel every day. A highly pressurized day full of expectations you will never reach no matter how hard you try.
And while we are on the subject, the word perfect is THE worst. It should not even be a part of our vocabulary but it is heavily interwoven into the fabric of our minds. If perfection is truly impossible, why does the word even exist? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said to others “That’s perfect!” and even to my kids which I hate that I’ve done. I know it’s because I want to express my satisfaction and I want people to feel that there is not anything else they need to do and that their job is complete but that’s because that’s how I want to feel. It’s a projection. I want to feel that I’ve done things 100%, to their full capacity, that I’ve thought of everything, that there is nothing else I could possibly give to this task that would alter it in the slightest, tipping it even closer to perfect, because if I didn’t do it to that extent, I feel shame. I feel, not good enough. I don’t want my name attached to it. I don’t want anyone else to feel like this…..so I say…..”That’s perfect.”
I don’t even want anyone to think I THINK something is perfect if I know it’s not because that would also mess with the integrity of me being a perfectionist. If you’ve read this far, you can tell my perfectionism runs deep. The disappointment runs deep, and often. And unfortunately, if people do compliment what I’ve done I almost always feel a twinge of frustration because they don’t even know how perfect it could have been- I knew what it could be and failed. I know I’ve done a lot to be proud of in general but I’m not sure it will ever be enough.
This also has me thinking why I think I’m anything other than a human. I don’t hold ANYBODY ELSE to these standards. That’s upsetting. I mean it’s a good thing that I don’t because then I’d be uber-judgmental, wouldn’t I? One strategy to help with perfectionism might be to put someone else in your shoes -somewhat of a reverse empathy exercise. An exercise to have empathy for yourself. The part of you that struggles deeply with something. So, you’ve created something, completed something. If someone else did it, what would you think? Would you even think twice about it? Is it fine? Is it complete? One thing is for sure, you are most likely not bad at this thing.
I want to be perfect at the things I care about the most. The things that I think define me like being eclectic, different, a writer, helping others in a way that makes a significant impact. I recently realized I want to be an influencer but in the most organic (cough…perfect) way. I’d only be okay with being what we call an influencer in these modern times if something of mine that I created got picked up organically. Nothing I do or ever have done can be fake. I’m vehemently against it, actually. Everything I do has to be truthful and genuine to a fault. Integrity is my highest character aspiration.
Okay listen up! I may have the beginnings of a way out of perfectionism. Practice actually breaking or bending the rules. Practice completing tasks where the whole goal is to just get it done. If you are a perfectionist, this is THE way to perfectly practice being human. You are aware that humans make mistakes- that’s the model. Build it. It includes mistakes and imperfections so there better be some. You can do this! You can be a real human!
I learned this practice through force. I was working in a situation where we were stretched so, so, thin and merely surviving and I also learned through parenting which creates the same scenario- perfectionism is no longer an option. I simply do not have the time to put the effort needed to maintain it and physically survive at the same time. Unfortunately, the disappointed and “falling short” feelings have not found the exit door. I’m working on it but after having a pattern in your brain for 30+ years, it’s hard to overwrite it.
There’s no time for perfection in this life.
I don’t even like the word imperfection because it assumes perfection is possible and that it has the capacity to be a goal.
We have to pick a side. A life with the grasping hold of perfectionism or a life of utter realness and sighing relief that we can be human. It is not both. Don’t even pretend it can be. I SEE you perfectionists-trying to finagle a way you can be both human and perfect! Stop.
Over these last few years, I’ve let go of a lot I used to put on myself and feel responsible for in the wake of having kids, working a job that just felt like survival- perfection was never going to happen there and I had to accept it. Where I still heavily struggle is I still feel unworthy if a request or suggestion from someone else is made and I don’t do it to my perfectionist expectations. I can feel overwhelming guilt that fully gets in the way of getting other important tasks done. Essentially, I allow people to control what I do and feel. A lot. And these people pleasing tendencies simply have to go. I’m over it. I don’t want to spend anymore time feeling guilty for not following someone else’s perceived perfect expectations. That’s what all of this is about anyway: perception.
Public Service Announcement
For every task you are trying to perfect, you are taking time away from activities, people and tasks you love. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve done a deep dive in finding the perfect item to buy, how many hours I’ve spent getting ready through the years or the lengths I went to not show an ounce of cellulite or a tummy roll, OR curating the perfect invite or spending hours getting the perfect decorations for an event. My recent haircut? 4 months and many, many hours of screentime obsessing over online pictures only to spend 5 seconds showing about 3 pictures to the hairdresser. When the process doesn’t give you the same satisfaction as its result and your spending hours upon hours on the process when the result lasts a disporportinate amount of time is so out of whack and balance. What have you said “no” to all the times you have said “yes” to the long process of perfection?
Let’s stop wasting time and just get our ideas and results out into the universe, unhinged and complete. It’s perfect BECAUSE it’s complete. Let’s be satisfied with “done” and be a human being instead. Can we do that? Can we just be…….free? Don’t spend any more time being imprisoned by perfectionism. Freedom is a choice you can make too.
onthecontrarykelly 